How to be a Seasonnaire - the definitive guide as imagined by Belle de Neige

Come on... let's not lie. For many a seasonaire, being here in Courchevel is basically like being on a five month holiday where instead of paying for shit your just have to clean skid marks off a few toilets. There are some rules to follow though. And here they are: boiled down into an essential guide: Seasonaires must always: 1. Wear a (preferably neon colourful) knitted hat with obligatory huge pom pom at ALL times. Whether out riding, hanging out in the bar or cleaning aforementioned toillettes....possibly sometimes while sleeping.
2. Have 'chalet hands' - these are essentially fooked, with cracks, chapped skin, scabs and perpetually dirty nails. They should ideally always smell of onions and cause the bearer to wail expletives loudly when coming into contact with lemon juice.
3. Use window cleaner and tissues to clean absolutely everything, from windows to toilet seats. It's all about the corner cutting, people, and that shit shines everything up lovely.
4. Use words such as 'Sick', 'Badass' and 'Righteous' to describe ski and snowboard gear and activities, without any hint of irony or embarrassment.
5. Smoke like a bonfire but never ever have a lighter. Or cigarettes.
6. Wear the most clashing combination neon colours you can find, preferably baggy ski pants and goggles. Never sunglasses. 'Punterish' gear - anything by Spider, for example or anything with fur or that is (snow preserve us) shiny is basically social suicide.
7. Never ever use blades. Just not done kiddies. You look a cunt.
8. Bed hop without shame or remorse.
9. Be from Cornwall, Devon or Manchester. Preferably. And if from elsewhere claim to be from Cornwall, Devon or Manchester.
10. Understand and finally submit to the truth of the ultimate evolutionary domination of skiers over snow boarders. It's about self propulsion, shoppers. Poles. The number of times I've seen some helpless creature who's sellotaped themselves to a snow board flailing away on the flat trying desperately to get to a downwards slope. And ending up looking like a twat because they have to ask their skiing companions to tow them with a pole. Shunt shunt shunt. It's just not cool is it? Particuarly when you've got skiers skating past you at a rate of knots. Survival of the best adapted. That's all I'm saying. If you want to skateboard go to fucking Brixton.