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7/02/2009

09

Matt(Jump) passes out while celebrating Jimbos birthday

As a bit of snow yet again brings the entire English infrastructure to a grinding halt and becomes the laughing stock of the rest of Europe. We reach the virtual half way point of the season and it’s time for the sex lines article. I know it’s reprinted every year but it’s a classic so get used to it. Also Debbie(Inghams) now has her own column titled “Debbie does”. Enjoy.

Alex, the editor.

Happy Birthday
Anyone who frequented the Jump or Kailco at the beginning of this week will have probably come across the inebriated revelry of private chalet girl Abby, Jimbo(Jump) and Anton(Total) who all celebrated their birthdays on Monday.
In the first case of Abby it was relatively (compared to Jimbos) civilised with a (disappointingly) distinct lack of nudity and un-lady like behaviour. The main event, so to speak, was of course Jimbo’s celebrations which brought together everyone who had a propensity for consuming alcohol like a fish has to water and wasn’t working. From seasons past former legendary ISBA barman Mik made an appearance but was surprisingly absent from the first night of the birthday binge. Guess some people get soft when they leave the mountains.
If the first casullty of war is innocence then the first casualty is drinking is the lightweight. Step forward Matt(Jump) who, despite Phil’s best efforts, at his peak, inadvertantly exposed himself to a bunch of female guests before passing out at the head of the king table. Luckily all those years of Pete’s military medical training (and bomb aiming) kicked in and he correctly calculated the apogee and trajectory of the vomit and placed a bucket in the suitable position. A few sobering glasses of water later and Matt was no longer in the horizontal position. After all that how Matt (with the slight air of vomit) still managed to go home with Sasha(total) is still a question that will puzzle scholars for years to come.

Debbie does....
Ligaments
I personally hate ligaments and apparently ligaments hate me. With their “slightly stretchy connective tissue” supposedly “stabilizing the joints.” Oh woops, now would you just look at that . . . . another one just ruptured. What’s that I here you say? It doesn’t hurt? Bad sign, very bad sign indeed. Probably means your out for the season, definitely means you need surgery, slight chance you might never ski again.

A wise young man once told me that if you’re good enough at life then you don’t need ligaments. I stand by that and I think you all should too.

SEX LINES AND LOVE EGGS
Professor Richard Dixon Clark. Veteran Courchevel Barman(1998) and Extreme Skier. Shares his in-depth knowledge gained from a string of seasons in the alps.
This week Reg explores the Hows and the Wheres of SEX LINES and LOVE EGGS!
No, not the seedy 0898 "Cover my Chocolate in Cream" type lines or those 'Housewife's "Two soaps on a rope", for that internal cleaning and freshening while you shop!
This refers to those massive cables that criss-cross the mountain with pumping pods, titillation tubs, oral ovals, copulation capsules, gonad gondolas, buggery bubbles hanging from them! Yes the Verdon, Viselle etc, call them what you want, but at some time or other, we've all had an urge to join The Pylon-High Club.
First the How's.
1) Access
I have no doubt that if it is your first season, you were not thinking about easy of access for in-bubble-action when you chose your two tone All-in-one (If you did choose an All-in-one you obviously weren't thinking at all!). Boarders have always had the benefit of loose fitting baggy pants, easy to get down without having to remove your jacket. Shoulder straps are becoming a thing of the past, and this season most makes of ski pants have a zip on/off braces facility so you can avoid the complete strip. I have been assured by those ladies who admitted to being experienced, that try as you might, unless you have full length leg zips one boot is going to have to come off, so one leg can be freed from all trouser restrictions.
2) Positions
This will depend on design of bubble and personnel choice! For the smaller face-to-face bubble, such as those up from Le Praz or the Chenus, the Turkish Toilet position is the old favourite, (He sits and she reverses on and bounces). This will involve removal of one boot and the trousers to allow the appropriate freedom of leg movement. In the stand-up bubble, (Mont Valon, or La Tania) there is a bar specially provided for the lucky lady to cling to while being taken roughly from behind. No wonder the Mount Valon bubble is called the Chalet girls favourite! The Verdon, Visselle and Par du Lac have plenty of room for experimentation. So let's hear about your 'Lifts of lust'!
3) Top tips,
Get prepared in the queue. The colder the day the better, so the windows steam up as quickly as possible. Watch out for people coming down on the opposite side. Don't get seen by one of your punters. (A couple was seen, reported, sacked, then appeared in the British press. No, I'm not joking!) Finish and dress before reaching the top. Walk out of the bubble as if nothing has happened. Or pretend you've got sunburn. ALWAYS USE PROTECTION.
4) Famous Five
5) Bride Les Bains (Half an hour through the trees, but watch out for the two mid-stations. Leave time to get home as it takes you up to Meribel)
4) Either lift up from Le Praz. (Long, quiet, in the trees, mists up quickly, but a little small for manoeuvres.)
3) La Tania (Quiet, picturesque, the built in sex bar, but not one of the longest)
2) The Chalet Girls Favorite Mount Valont (Stunning view, sex bar, good length, but very visible.)
1) The Saullire Telepherique (The ultimate challenge, enough room for an orgy, your own chauffeur, all sorts of bars to swing from, but it is one of the quickest lifts in the Alps.)