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31/12/2011
Issue 69

On any given evening, if you are people watching, you can always see the odd cheeky kiss taking place in a dark corner of a bar. A good example of this would be CF (She who must not be named) for setting a good example for her staff by getting a Swedish deep tongue massage from former ISBA barman Mikael Carlsson.

On Wednesday night it was hard not to see a French couple go at it like, well like a couple in the privacy of their own bedroom. For at least half an hour (but nearer to ¾ hour) they were in a world of their own. The snogging, the groping, the vertical frotting, the writhing together was hard not to notice considering they were right next to the dance floor and only 5ft from the bar. The phrase “Get a room” had never been more aptly used. It was only a matter of a time before they took to one of the tables and finished the deed. In the end they opted for a little bit of privacy in one of the toilets. Nothing says I love you like a bit of coitus in a toilet stall.

The editor

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Sympathy

I’ve often been accused of not being very sympathetic to other people’s problems. I guess this all depends on what their problems are and how they occurred. Here is a list of common problems and the level of sympathy I have. Please note although externally I might nod sympathetically, inside I will a seething vortex of un-supporting rage.

I’ve lost my phone (non-smart phone). Sympathy level moderate. Although you’ve lost your old Nokia it’s not the end of the world. Although having to pass your new number to everyone is a real bugger.

I’ve lost my phone (smartphone). Sympathy level very low. Whenever someone says this I ask whether they installed “find my iphone” or the Android equivalent. 99.9% of the time they say “no” or “I was going to do that”. If you don’t have the 5 minutes to install a free app which enables you to track/wipe/brick a lost phone you really deserve to lost it.

I’ve broken my phone (smartphone) Sympathy level very low. What are you doing carrying around a £500 phone (that most people don’t actually use as a phone because they are on a UK contract) around resort where the chance of ice/beer related accidents are very high. That is what a cheap ass Nokia PAYG handset is for.

I’ve injured myself (on the mountain) Sympathy level high. Accident will happen and skiing is a dangerous sport and sooner or later you will injure yourself. As long as you weren’t trying your first jump of the season on the black kicker. As someone who has personally broken two bones over the course of seasons past I know how you feel.
I’ve injured myself(Sober) Sympathy level high. See above.

I’ve injured myself(every other variation) Sympathy level low. If a lot of alcohol is involved it’s just a matter of time before you do something silly.

I’ve had my car towed. Sympathy level low. So you went to all the trouble of bringing out a car to the resort only to park it somewhere were you shouldn’t have it’s will eventually be removed by the municipal rossers. Think of it from their perspective, Clearing the roads with 2 meters of snow is hard enough without wondering if there is are cars hidden beneath it.

By brand new jacket got stolen after I dumped it under a table/ in a corner in a club.

Sympathy level low. If you are tight enough not to spend 2€ to put it in the cloak room you deserved to have it stolen/ have something stainy/ sticky spilt on it.

I’ve been fired (because my boss didn’t like me). Sympathy level so low it’s almost off the scale. Apart from the fact that the real reason you were fired was you were useless/ incompetent/ lazy and you probably though that doing a season would be an excellent doss in the mountains for 5 months.

After a drunken night with a co-worker all of a sudden he won’t talk to me again. Sympathy level what did you think would happen?

Byron unleashes “pain” on his roommates
Byron (Lord) was famously described by Lady Caroline Lamb as "mad, bad and dangerous to know". Well two out of three isn’t bad for the Bubble’s Byron. On Christmas morning Byron unleashed hell on his room mates with a stale baguette. With the dexterity of a circus knife thrower he threw it across the room, hitting co-worker Jeff in the cheek, drawing blood. This was just a glancing blow, a richochet, with it’s final target being ,light fingered chair theif, Raab, who ended up being impaled in the eye by French bread. As this baguette was designed for maximum damage it left baguette shrapnel behind causing his eye to become infected.

So next time you see Bryon holding any bread products, whether it be a Panini, Papadum or even a tortilla, be carefull, in his hands it’s a potentially deadly weapon.

Apres ski T-shirts

Forget keeping calm and carrying on in the alps you need to Apres Ski and get walloped. Available in Red, Navy Blue and a few in Green they are available.