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01/04/2011
Issue 47

Ski Physios at the top of Mont Vallon....

Although, throughout the winter, there are many activities for the seasonnaires it’s the 3 valley rally that really brings out the competitive side of people. This of course has nothing to do with the intense rivalries between companies or even the creation of a new trophy bearing the name of the previous 4 years winner, Jennifer Clare.

This year it was the turn of several “slightly mature” female team captains. Resort manager Sara from Scott Dunn and Ski Physio owner Sian. Both of who would play the “mother” card and who had clashed on the ballon ballai rink earlier this season. From the start luck favoured Scott Dunn’s Caspers after I gave the large inflatable banana “handicap” to the wrong SD team meaning that from the start they had a good 10-minute head start over the other favourites.

Checkpoint 1
It has often been said that giving checkpoint judges a free reign over their checkpoint is a fine line between a stroke of genius or absolute madness. In the case of the Funky Fox team who were stationed at Roc Merlet in 1650 it was absolute genius. With the help of the extra judge “Steve” who dispensed two very different liquids, a clear ejaculation from above and a brownish excretion from below. I think you get the idea.

Checkpoint 2
In an attempt to send the teams via Mont Valon they had to produce a photo at the top of the lift. The use the exact wording “Top of Mont Vallon lift must be visible (and identifiable) behind team”. The ingenious and wily physios, with the help of a graphic designer in London created the masterpiece on the front page. Unfortunately as it doesn’t show the “top of the lift” they were penalised after the race. In the words of Scooby doo “they might have got away with it if it hadn’t been for the medalling judges”.

When they got to Val Thornens they were subjected to some peri peri chilli tequila and a task of sexual positions. The best of which was performed by the Scott Dunn Fluro babes with their banana.

Checkpoint 3
Despite writing the wrong height on the clue most teams managed to locate the checkpoint at the top of Roc de Tougne. There they got to taste my special Vin Froid concoction before rolling through a powder field and having their photo taken with Alex’s (Physio) snow sculpture of Bangers. Despite almost being destroyed by G it was rebuilt in time for it’s creators muse to arrive. It was the Powder white team that demonstrated the best aptitude for rolling downhill.

Checkpoint 4
The final checkpoint at the top of Saulier had the teams remove their tops, spin around a ski pole and be subjected to a hail of snow balls while drinking a mixture of Chartreuse, Manzana and the remainder of Steve’s baileys “poo”. This resulted in some classic comedy falls, the best of which was from Kaluma’s Business time. Anyone passing holidaymakers getting off the cable car must have wondered what the hell had been going on.

Finish
From checkpoint 4 to the finish the only obstacle was finding an ESF instructor to pose for a photo, which was no problem for any of the teams.

The editor

New Enquirer t-shirts for sale
Half way through the season and most of the sizes have been sold out. So get yours Here only available in XL sizes. (2 left)

And for the first time the enquirer has printed it's own t-shirt. Printed on black t-shirts. Here only available in Large. (one left)

 

No Parking
Following Paris’s attempt to ban SUVs from the centre of the city. Courchevel has decided to go in the other direction and ban all 2 wheel drive cars next season. Following multiple accidents and traffic jams caused by ill equipped holiday makers driving improperly shod vehicles. Regardless of the snow conditions all 2WD cars will be impounded at Bozel and a shuttle bus will ferry the drivers up the hill.
If this is successful a further ban will also block any vehicle from 1850 whose value is less than 60k euros.

Kalico is back
After a less than successful season the owners of Kudeta have agreed to change the name back to the Kalico for next year. The interior will be partially cleared to make room for the old dance floor and pole.